Five Little Fingers

I’ll be brutally honest with you all, quarantine has sucked the life out of me. I’m usually a very social, get out and run miles, hang at a girlfriends house kind of person, and being confined to my house has taken a toll on my mental health. I say this with confidence knowing that there is no shame in saying “I’m having a hard moment”. Let me elaborate on my day for y’all. I woke up after about 4 interrupted hours of sleep to a full-throttle 2.5-year-old and a very mobile 6-month-old along with my house a wreck. My husband tried his best to make the day easier, but for some reason I was just in a bad mood.

After trying for an hour to put the kids to bed together so I could film a YouTube video for my channel, I realized that was not happening tonight. So my husband and I gathered the kids up and laid in the bed together just to get them to sleep. I looked at my family snore away and immediately felt that gut feeling of failure. I failed at motherhood today. My house is a mess, my kids were wild, and on top of that I couldn’t even film my YouTube video. My one bit of “me” couldn’t even get that done today. Twenty-four hours were lost because I “can’t even”. Getting up from the bed I went to the kitchen to finish cleaning up the dishes from dinner.

As I sat on the kitchen floor almost in tears I get a text from my husband saying the baby is back up and he can’t calm her down; I think to myself “what do you expect me to do about that”. However I go back to our bedroom and I nurse her to sleep…again. I rolled my eyes at my sleeping family as I thought of all the things I could’ve done with my quarantine time besides being ran to the bone, but then I noticed something. Five little fingers from a resting infant holding on to my shirt. I stopped and had to keep the tears from coming. I thought today I hadn’t truly looked at my children. I looked at commands, routines, meal plans, tasks, “things” some sense of normalcy in our ever-changing world, but I did not look at those little details that were blessings. I started to look at my daughter’s hand holding my shirt as she dreamed of what I can assume was milk (she’s six months old), and remembered the first time I held her hand and looked at her little face. I remember studying it and thinking of all the ways I’d do my best every day to make sure she knew she was loved.

By now I’m getting choked up as I look at my son right next to her. My husband and I spent the majority of the day trying to keep him from killing himself. I’d yell “we don’t have time to go to the ED today” to which he would reply “let’s go ED”. Honestly I’m ashamed with how I’ve let being in the house affect my patience with the little one who made me mommy. I stare at his face; his cheeks still chubby, his perfect curls, and I reach out for his hand. Perfect little fingers that reached for me all day today along with his sister. I’d be lying if I told you all that I enjoy always being needed. Sometimes as a mom I wish no one needed me to do things, stop reaching for me all the time, I am drained. However, looking at my children’s little fingers I am reminded that when its all said and done why I decided to devote myself to them. To truly dive in and love another being with all of myself even when it’`s hard, to also know that when I feel like giving up, that I am capable because I look at them and know where I came from.

Tomorrow I will try again, maybe attempt a craft with him and YouTube it. Who knows, but I do know I will make this work. I write this for you to know that you will make this work as well. It’s tough having your routine disturbed especially with small children. You might be at your wit’s end, I encourage you to take a few seconds and just hit pause. Look at those small details on your child/ren and reflect on what you mean to them and vice versa. Reflect on that first moment you held those little hands and looked at those chubby cheeks. Try to let the stress of the day melt away just as they melt your heart each time you walk into the room and see that face light up.

Motherhood will challenge you in your most vulnerable moments stripping you to your core but I urge you to see those most raw moments in your life and find the grace in the little things as I did with those five little fingers gripping my shirt as they drifted off to sleep.